After reading Bloom the final question Estée poses is something that I have been asking myself a lot recently.
Where will life take me next?
Ordinarily this should be an exciting thing to think about with the endless possibilities that lie ahead, so why do I find this question so intimidating? The idea of where life will take me next has been haunting me ever since I graduated, and with double jaw surgery looming over me for some time after that, I’d been putting off my next steps for a while.
Since graduating University I’ve been floating, not sure what I wanted to do next, so I set myself some simple goals; get a part time job, pass my driving test and save some money, all of this biding my time until that pending surgery had happened. What I wasn’t expecting is how long I would have to wait for my surgery. This is when I enrolled onto a Social Media course in an attempt to make the most of my time spent waiting.
Now that I’ve had my surgery and my brace work is coming to an end, it’s time to step out of this shadow I’ve been hiding in. I feel like I’m constantly flailing around, putting off the inevitable, not sure which way to step and although some things in life help define you, they also come back around to cause you problems.
My University grade is one of those things, and no matter how hard I try not to beat myself up when I am unsuccessful at an opportunity because I didn’t get that grade, I can’t help but feel defeated. It trudges up the past and that feeling of letting myself down consumes me all over again. Now that I’ve had my double jaw surgery I want to move forward, I’m ready to take that next step but what is that step?
The recovery was long and what made it even harder was knowing when this journey was over I would be forced to step from behind the shadow. Tormenting myself with a notion of an unsuccessful three years, I was stagnant in the same old routine, running away to a foreign lands in search of the answer but still I still find myself asking what now?
I just don’t know what it is that I want to do. I need to do something that makes me feel good about myself. A job I enjoy and, ultimately, to be proud of. It’s not about the money but it is a bonus that would help to fund my healthy gig addiction. I’m not naive, I know these jobs are extremely hard to come by, and often its a case of work to live, or live to work. Hopefully this won’t be the case and I can find a happy medium, this is why I admire Estée Lalonde.
Estée moved half way across the world for a chance at love, got a crappy job and started to blog. Eventually she left her job and took another giant risk giving herself a year to make her blogging hobby a into a career. I wish I had enough balls to take such a huge risk but there is always something stopping me; an operation, bills and confidence.
So this post has kind of turned into a sort of weird therapy session without having to payout the hefty price tag at the end of it. I don’t exactly have the answer but is the answer really important?
After reading Estée’s book Bloom I feel inspired ready to challenge myself, enabling me to chase that illusive dream but more importantly to find acceptance and happiness with who I am. I spend far too much time worrying about the what if’s that I don’t even try, avoiding the failure I fear but never allowing the success I crave.
But first another little getaway wont hurt.
Barcelona here I come.