Last week on Attempted Actuality http://bit.ly/1FHjfTv
– “There are expectations piled upon my generation, that at a certain age or level of education you SHOULD be earning so much money.”
I’m a slave to this expectation to do well.
How is it almost two years since I graduated?
From this sudden realisation I have felt the pressures to do something more, stacking shelves was ok at the time, but surly I’m not destined to be doing this forever? As many of my peers are in their desired jobs, It makes me want to start my career. But what do I want to do?
After five years of studying photography, I realised that it isn’t what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. I’ve become another one of the thousands of students to attend university not to work in their chosen field. I was left not wanting join the rat race to earn the supposed hundreds of pounds from one wedding, but still suffering with, “Hannah why don’t you photograph weddings you’ll make a fortune.” The ignorance in this comment is something that really boils my blood.
Although I’m 23, people keep telling me that I’m young and have my whole life to figure it out. Yet I feel like time is running out, having this fear of becoming comfortable in the very place I’m trying to escape.
Since graduating I wanted to have a ‘gap year,’ to achieve a few things and gain other skills and experiences. The only problem is that this has suddenly turned into two years, with a fear that this this is now my life. However my time wasn’t wasted, passing my driving test, starting a work placement and put myself back in education. Although these are small victories I have little belief in myself, that gaining the job I desire is not possible simply for the fact I’m not good enough.
The occasional praise may be given at work but it’s not enough to make one lust for success in this sector. In fact it’s the opposite, something which is meant to be a compliment is the very thing that offends me and makes me feel like I need to do better.
I’m not saying I’m better than this because I have a great respect for people who battle everyday in that sector, but for me I’m ready to get out. Thinking I’m not good enough is just an excuse, isn’t it better to fail and try again than to suffer in something that is soul destroying? Not only that but retail has made me moan and stress about the small insignificant details making me unhappy. Part of me thinks this is has reinforced my feeling of not being good enough. If anything working in retail had put more pressure on me to become successful, comparing myself to peers who are already excelling in their industries.
Things have got to change, to begin seeking happiness the small victories again to move on with success. I can’t remember the last time I did something and felt really happy or proud about something I’ve done.
Here’s what’s going to happen; after completing my course in social media and marketing I aim to gain an internship. Friends have often commented saying that’s radio maybe an avenue I should explore so I’m going to try my hand at that by doing some work experience there. With a love for music and talking about it radio should be a perfect fit.
Retail is not my life nor will I let be.